[Two Song Poem] The Burnout Syndrome

'Who, reigns longer, chaos or misery?',
The question did  raise an eyebrow or two,
But adamant I was about the question,
An answer just a forethought to all the lies.

Do you feel it in your nerves, an urge to quit early,
Do you feel it burn your senses, in the dreamless sleeps.

'Chaos', I answered, she smiled, a smirk,
The battle is just about to begin, she pondered,
As she swung around in her childish prologues,
'I wish I knew the answer', sigh, all I could gather.

It ticks deep now, the clock of uncertainty,
It ticks deep, I should quit, the voice echoes.

Time is an illusion, I lie to myself,
Every step, a mechanical clockwork,
'Chaos, is life', I sigh to my self,
She laughs, mocking me to my core.

'Knock, knock', she says, a childish giggle,
I know its a joke, but 'Whose there?', I reply.

At last, she gets up, 'the game's up', she says,
'I am bored, and I need a new lie to live',
Empty, is that what I feel, searching in me,
'A new lie i need', She says, as she walks away.

I am stranded in an Island of lies, I see her walk away,
I am stranded in an Island, I see my life walk away.


The burn out Syndrome
(Songs Played Together)
Song 1: Arriving somewhere but not here
Song 2: Melodic Death Metal / Metalcore Mix

Idol

Well its been a long time since I wrote something nifty and useful, and I guess I won't be doing that yet, but somehow, I realized who my idol was. There was a time when I was so confused with the "You need a role model to look upto and grow", well I was always kind of a guy who din't want an Idol or a role model to look upto. Basic reasons : Never found any one good enough for me to look upto, and remarkably that same characteristic is shared by my Idol. He doesn't look upto any one, he looks upto himself.

So what makes my Idol so unique.

I never wanted to grow up, to be a person who was driven by emotions, and instead wanted to be a person who saw reason in everything, ( well there are always exceptions, and I believe I won't be repeating my mistakes again.)

I had to let go of Gandhi, he was way too non practical. Well I liked his idea of non-violence and self sacrifice, but he used to put a lot of people in harms way to get what he wanted ( not saying he was a selfish being, but still).

Then as a christian I have the Christ himself to idolize, but still, he was way too philosophical and always had a wrong and a right and was never ready to compromize.

Then came the hardcores as I got into music, but again they had no reason or no logic. It was all emotions and feelings and frustrations out in the form of music, so I couldn't idolize them either.

I had an option of idolizing someone real, but again my ego won't allow that, knowing that all of my idols would die one day, or are already dead. So I wanted my idol to be immortal.

I listed down some of the characteristics which my idol should have. ( well its stupid, but I am enlightened.)
1. Immortal
2. Not driven by emotions while making judgement.
3. Practically with a high IQ.
4. Some one who won't do something wrong or non righteous. ( That puts out all the brilliant villains - including Joker, out of the list.)
5. Some one who has no attachments as such, yet would do anything for the ones about whom he cared.
6. Some one with a good taste in music.
7. Some one who loves to know about things, yet makes sure he isn't cramped up with information.
8. And a genius in his own field.


Well knowingly or unknowingly I have idolized this man who satisfies all of the above characteristics, and have somehow scripted my own likes and dislikes based on them, So yes I have an Idol, whom I look upto and who inspires me to be me, yet isn't real enough to make people say "Oh look there goes another one of his kind, he was great, but these posers just ruin his credibility.".

I look upto my self.

The Purple Room-2

He sits on the park bench, watching the little flower fall,
It swirls, it floats around, and it finally touches the ground,
He picks it up, decorates it with his thoughts, and gives it a form,
His stare burns the empty petals down to ash, the flower dies,
His brain, a crumbled leaf, the blind spot of his life.

He sits in his room, stares at the flickering television screen,
The black and the white dots, make up his life, empty to the end,
He watches the color change, and life come to the screen, a drama unfolds,
His fingers move across, presses the power off, the drama fades,
His brain, a crumbled leaf, the blind spot of his life.

He walks up on the street, sees a beggar sitting, begging by the side,
A nickle he throws at the beggar, as he runs away, runs in disgust,
The beggar doesn't say a thing, continues to beg for his daily bread,
The nickle turns to gold, a loss for the man who gave, and a gain for the beggar,
The brain, a crumbled leaf, the blind spot in our lives.

The Purple Room - 1

Spaces

Jumbled in his brain, a bug roams,
From nerve to nerve, it hops and crawls.
He sits and the time stops,
Compressed in his imagination.

Closed within the wall he tries to be strong,
But the walls grow and the memories explode,
Was it darkness or the fading light,
The bug flourishes in the empty thoughts.

The bug crawls, eating his strength,
It walks within the square he drew.
Spine chilling laughter, a glitter in its eye,
Is it fear or the insanity that looms.

He wakes every morning, thinking of the dreams,
Clusters of memories collapse, darkness ensues.
Is it the open spaces he fears,
Or the frozen time and closed Squares.

Corner Around the Turn

Its been a long while since I have seen some life around. The trees sway no more, nor do the birds chirp. Its silent, its peaceful, but I dread this peace. It always seems like the calm before the storm. As if someone is just preparing, silent to the world, preparing for a come back, where she can get what she wants. The other kids don't bother about me, I feel lonely. I sit by the corner, playing with the teddy, humming different tunes, coloring different nails. I see other kids play, but I can't play with them. I hate it, but I have to stay away from them. I become lonely again, no sounds, nothing to play with, only silence. Sleep evades me, as if its afraid to talk to me, afraid to play with me, afraid to be my friend. I name my teddy, I buy a cat so that teddy doesn't feel alone any more. I watch the cat shred out teddy into pieces, the small puffs of cotton ball litter the ground. I am alone again, I am afraid this time. The cat is powerful, more powerful than me. I watch the cat take control over me, become the queen of my being. I am a cat now, I was a human once. I purr to get attention, to get the love I missed, to get the care I lacked. People don't like it, they call me crazy. They say I need to sleep, I need to rest my brain. I need to see the reality. My mom takes me to the doctor, he seems to be a mean guy. He wants me to throw away the cat, he wants me to leave it at a place from where it won't return. I play my tantrums. I play my cards well, the doctor obliges, asks me whether I would want a cup of hot chocolate milk. I watch him bring teddy back to life, as he sews up the cotton balls together. I like him for bringing teddy back to life, I am happy again. The cat is not happy with the new teddy, it wants me to throw it away before it does any harm. I scold the cat for being mean to teddy, I try to make them friends. The cat obliges to my request, it treats teddy with love, but the teddy is not the same teddy. He seems mean but I like him, he asks me to get rid of the cat. I don't like his tone, but I have to listen to teddy because I like it. I am scared, and I am confused, and I just don't know what to do, so I decide to flip a coin. I flip the coin, It floats along in the air, flipping through, slicing through, and finally lands back in my palm. I had to get rid of teddy or the cat, and the coin would decide their fate. It was stupid but I was helpless, and there was no one I could ask help for. I look at the coin lying in my palm, the shining metal plate which would decide the fate of the cat and the teddy. I look at the coin, I am sad for now I have to act, I go to the kitchen and get the butcher's knife. I had to shred Teddy again, or behead the cat. I come back, look at both of them once again, with love in my eye, with care in my eye. The cat purrs, rubs itself on me, teddy gives a puppy faced look. I am sad, "was I too harsh on the decision???", I ask my self. Now nothing can be helped, I have to destroy that what I have created.





And I swing the knife.

Dead Fish

Grey lining in the spotless golden sky
As the dead walk on through the life unexplored,
Night is just a hiding path,
For the reasons of senses to die.
I may not feel, I may not cry,
but still the Dead Fish do fly.

Lesser known fear, of a burning shadow,
With anguish and despair do the dead men sigh,
Days full of secret, spilling,
As they stand to loose their charm,
I am just a human, and so I cry
but still the Dead Fish do fly.

I hear the one in my head sing in joy,
For the dead only make songs for the broken toy,
Amber light does flood the night,
As they mend the lives that pass by,
I was a child once, when I used to cry
but still the Dead Fish do fly.

Drop Of Stone

Past the trauma of presence,
she stands, and the mirror reflects,
Shame, as the hands move across,
The warmth of a touch, and she obliges
Numbing sense of pain, and she cries
Its no tear, but Its a drop of stone

She loves, but breaks within,
she stands, and the mirror reflects,
Fear, and unable to raise a voice,
A loving touch, and she loses the trust,
Innocence lost to a tender age, and she cries
Its no tear, but Its a drop of stone

Withdrawn she does protest,
she stands, and the mirror reflects,
Guilt, as the fingers touch the child,
And child cries, and no one believes,
History repeats, victim victimises, and she cries
Its no tear, but Its a drop of stone

The Purple Room.

He scrawls, he scribbles, but never writes,
He crawls, he cripples, but never walks.
White all around, boxed around, the unending chain
He thinks, he forces his mind, but never forgets,
The Brain a cobweb, a slice of pie.

He paints purple, turns it around, but never leaves.
Thoughts constricted, thoughts constrained, within the walls
He adds a door, a window to see the world,
But still the walls contain him, conflicting his thoughts.
The Brain a cobweb, A slice of pie.

Purple all around, he feels the chill, he feels the warmth,
Purple all around, he feels the death, he feels the Loose,
Tries to step out, but the walls do grow,
To contain him, to capture him, never to leave
The Brain a cobweb, A slice of pie.

Voices

Walking through the meadows, did I hear the cry,
Of a child in pain, A child left alone.
A child is born as one dies,
A child is born as one is lost.
And I did hear voices, voice of the crying child.

The child did grow, As I lost the grip on reality,
Compressed in my dreams did I suffocate.
Stars tickled my senses, as my eyes closed,
Winds became my echo, as I opened to speak,
And I did hear voices, voices taking control.

Who am I, Where was I, The voices did command,
As I lay, feeling the grass beneath,
now a grown man, he stands within me,
now a grown man, he pledges to destroy me,
And I did hear voices, voices as I died.

The Spirit is strong But the Body is weak

Well I had planned on writing this one a long time back but due to reasons unknown I couldn't pen down some words (though most of all who are related to this know the real reasons). It started as an idea (Ideas are bad and its time you people know it). An idea which said why body is being accused of everything. Isn't the spirit equally responsible for the troubles.
The reasons why I said ideas are bad:
1. Ideas form the base of the discussion
2. Discussions form the base of your entire thought process
3. Your thoughts manage to gain control of your body and mind and become your action (well I borrowed these three points to prove my self correct)
So the idea that spirit is equally responsible for the trouble the entire being is in, led to a discussion, and with clever reasoning (usually people tend to prove themselves right) the idea was accepted and became a part of the thought, and eventually the action.
So now I have my spirit to blame for every thing. 'Coz spirit is strong and is supposed to avoid everything that may lead the entire being into a fix like situation, and since body is weak, we can't actually blame the body.

The origin of the idea

Cigarette smoking is harmful for health. People still smoke.
The spirit is strong but the body is weak
Spirit says bring it on budy.. I can have more.
body says. Sorry dude I am really screwed and I'm totally done for it.

The Basics Of Human Emotions.

I keep writing about all these things regarding emotions because i am an anti emotions guy.
Emotions can be actually divided into two basic catagories basic and complex, something like the color wheel. more complex colors can be derived from the basic three colors.No one can say what is a complex emotion, it depends on the perceptiveness of a person. For some Anger can be a basic emotion whereas for others it might be a complex emotion which may consist of jealousy frustration depression and many more things combined.
Another more easier classification of emotion is long-term emotion and short-term emotion. The best example of long-term emotion is "love"(which actually is losing its long term status). The short-term include surprise anger and every other emotions which can be triggered within seconds.
As i had written previously that emotions arise from your right brain and logic and practicallity from your left brain. These emotions according to some theories are results of the chemical "laucha" in our brains.
The major two theories which actually are able to define emotions and the origin of emotions are
1. Somatic theories
2. James-Lange theory
According to me the major five emotions which could actually describe a human being would be
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Anger
4. Grief
5. Fear
Fear is a personal favorite of mine. These five basic emotions give rise to other more complex emotions.
I have been latelly thinking from both the side of the hedge. A world without emotions and a world with emotions.
well actually a world without emotions would be atleast crime free. And the competition won't exist. But we would never be able to enjoy the reason for our existence. A world with emotions would just be exactly like the world we are living rite now. Full of atrocities and "attyachars". Well we can't complain of the life we are living.

Listen To your Brain

Its based on something i did today. It might have been a folly to some but to me it was another step closer to my fear. Well the only fear i have is the fear of authority. ie. the of fear people in authority. Nothing else in this entire world can ever scare me. Well coming back to the topic. When ever you make a decision you think from two sides.
1. From the logical and analytical side.
2. From the emotional side.
The first one gets processed in the left side of your brain and the second in the right. Well some might call the first reactions or opinions coming from brain and the second set of opinions or reactions coming from the heart. Actually heart can't think so its just a typo to put the things in a more better way.(Human beings can't accept the fact that the brain is emotional!!!!). Most of our actions are a mixed bag containing the logical and the emotional parts in equal or with a little up and down here and there. (For more info check http://www.viewzone.com/bicam.html ). There are issues which require emotions like in a case when you are being asked out for a date. And others which require logic like over coming your fears. The word 'fear' can be put under the subheading of emotions. As what ever you fear is illogical. Its nothing. And to prove it i will put in my case. As i live in a hostel and the rules being a little strict we can't leave the hostel premises after seven. By chance after dinner we found the main gates open and the guards having a chat. Me and my friend were having our regular after meals walk when we decided to just walk out of the gate. Once we got out then other second years(The worst batch in the entire hostel's history) too came out. We went for an ice cream (you know its not ice-cream) and thought it would be good to just take a walk outside. That was the time when i noticed that the gates had been closed and a fear started building up in me. One side of my brain said 'You are dead' and the other side said 'Who gives a fuck'. As i was with my friends i didn't want to behave like scared cat so i continued with them. When we came back we coolly opened the gate and went in. Nothing to fear nothing to be worried about.
So from the above incidence i came to a conclusion. Left is better than the right.
Emotions just show you a part of the entire scene. Just the part you would love to see or you are afraid to see... and the list goes on.. you can add ne emotional state to it. But the logical side or the analytical side lets you view the larger picture. The entire scenario without bias. So if you are making a decision which has to be unbiased listen to your brain and not to your heart. The decisions may seem wrong at that moment but helps out in the longer run. You would be thinking what this entire thing had to do with the incidence... well the decision was taken by the left side of my brain. And the gain was i confronted my fears and am a step closser to being fearless.

T9.

We can still remain friends.

This phrase may not sound unfamiliar to young people like me who have been running from post to pillar to get some one to fill in as the better half. As such this phrase holds no meaning at all. Because both, the person who said it and the person who heard it knows nothing is same as before. But the only thing which I can't still figure out is why do people use this phrase.
My first encounter with this word well happened a year back. Back then i was young and stupid. That doesn't mean i am young no more. People learn from their mistakes and i am no better than the others not to learn from my mistakes. This above phrase has been used as a tool by people who just can't say a "no"... basically because they don't want to lose the goodwill of other person. They never really know what the other person might make out of it, and they don't care either. There are intelligent species though who say it in a more "appropriate to the situation " way. Which till now i haven't encountered because i have never met any intelligent species who can play around with the mind of others. If i am to put this phrase " We can still remain friends." in a more appropriate way... whoever used it does not really want to lose the person as a person from whom help can be extracted just because the other person thinks He/She is still a friend... and most people are dumb enough to believe that. Well its not their fault.. it's in the nature. Its rather the nature of the Human beings to be like that. It is like a person falls for a guy/girl and is really mad about him/her. So he is willing to do anything for the guy/girl just in the hope that the phrase "We can still remain friends." will change just because he/she is being nice to the other guy/girl. WAKE UP SMELL THE COFFEE. It doesn't work like that. If a person ever uses this phrase its time for you to just drop that person and just try to be true to the phrase and nothing more than that. It will help a lot in the long run because every fall is the next step towards the goal. I respect the young age rather than the old age because the scope of learning is more in the young age rather than the old/middle age. And these are the little things which we as youngsters should learn. To Be strong on decisions and to never let others to play with the little and subtle mind of yours. And if anyone ever encounters a situation where he/she is forced to use the phrase... be a bit less human there. No one actually cares what you are or what you would turn out to be. So be strong enough to say a BIG NO rather than beating around the bush because you don't want to lose the goodwill of the other person.